let the testing begin : (

It's almost been a year, so we decided to start testing. We were going to wait until about September, but my HSA will expire September 1st and I have $650 dollars left on my account. When I called to schedule, the nurse called me back and let me know that my insurance "would cover most of the procedure at 80%." I thought how great and got really excited! Then she said, "you'll be responsible for  about $600." I couldn't believe that was 20% of a pretty simple procedure. I was in the car and started crying because I knew my husband wouldn't agree to that. Then, I called to see how much was left on my HSA and it was almost exactly enough. I'm pretty confident that it will all come back clear. But I am nervous about the test. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad. : ( Prayers would be greatly appreciated!

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my new obgyn and mothers day

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm totally blaming it all on my hormones. I knew that my period should be coming sometime in the next few days. I was cramping and bloated and exhausted. It was also the day of our awards ceremony/musical at school and my first doctors appointment with the new ob.

At the awards ceremony, my two teacher friends came with their new 6 week old babies and sat on the front row. I couldn't help but think about how we had been trying for 10 months. We could have a new baby too, just like my friends that started trying the same time as us. But I stood up there with my period on the way and not even a little pregnant. This made me slightly emotional. And those precious babies make my heart want to burst. I can hardly stand it.

Then, I stepped off the stage and one of my parents asked if I was pregnant. This gets me every time. Like a punch to the gut. I smiled and said no. I'm still not sure why she asked me that. Maybe it was the empire waisted dress or the weight I've gained from her kid stressing me out this year. who knows! But it hurt my feelings. I spent the next few minutes in tears once I made it back to the classroom.

I was praying all day that I wouldn't get my period, so that I could make it to the doctor's appointment for my regular exam.

I was nervous about this appointment too. I wanted to like the guy. When I got there, the nurse asked me a lot of questions about my history which included the miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's hormones or if I sometimes get busy and somehow forget about what happened. But some days it just hits me hard... and it almost feels like it just happened. Anyways, sitting in the room thinking back on all of it and putting on the same dress and sitting in the chair was just all too familiar to me. The tears started to come once again. I hopped up to get a tissue, not wanting my new ob to have a bad impression of me, hobbled over half dressed trying to keep the gown and blanket thing covering me. Of course, the door opened and he noticed my tears. He was very reassuring, energetic, and left me with a smile on my face. I really liked him a lot. He said to call him in August if I'm not pregnant by then. Also, he said if I'm sitting at home this summer and don't want to wait until August, to come in for testing sooner. I think I'll stick with him.

Then I got in the car to go home, and cried the whole way to the house. I have no idea why?? I just have no control over my emotions anymore. With all this said, I was in bed by 7:00. ex.haus.ted.
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(I haven't blogged in a long, long time, so I have another little story I need to tell.) This one is about Mother's day. I didn't think it would upset me at all. It's a day for mother's. It has nothing to do with me. Well, that morning, it didn't feel that way. We were in Austin for my nephew's first birthday party celebrating with my husband's family. I was upset that morning while getting dressed. We all got in the car to drive to San Marcos and then I called to wish my mom a happy mother's day. She said, "Thank you!! tell Laura I said happy mother's day. Tell Maureen I said happy FIRST mother's day." She was so chipper and so happy and didn't say one thing to me. I cried the whole way there. Once we got to breakfast to celebrate with his family it was fine. I put on a happy face and brushed the whole thing aside. I was a little sad that not even one person acknowledged that this might be a hard day for me. Then, a few weeks ago at a wedding I was talking to my sweet father-in-law. He said he felt so bad for me on mother's day and wanted to say something so badly, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I could see his eyes getting watery. That meant so much to me. What a blessing to have such a sweet man in my life. He gets it. It validated my feelings and thats just what I needed.

P.S. 2 more days of school, people!!!!

month 10 or maybe month 3?

I'm not sure if when you miscarry you have to start over counting your months ttc. Does anyone know the answer to that question? We have been trying since August which makes 10 months. But, if you take out the month I was pregnant and the month we had to wait after miscarrying it makes 8 months. Or maybe this is just the third month?

Well I got my period this morning. So, no Mexico baby for us. : ( I will say that I feel much more relaxed and not worried about getting pregnant. I know that I can get pregnant. I figured it took 6 months before, so it will probably take about 6 months this time. We're a third of the way to 6 months of trying after miscarriage. Of course I hope it is much faster!

My period was actually a few days late, and I hardly cared. I did take a test, but when it was negative I just moved on. Before, I would have tested every day and worried myself sick.

I got sick on Friday and went to the doctor on Saturday. I have strep throat. The penicillin shot didn't help much at all, so I'm home sick today. I'm hoping the doctor will just call me in an antibiotic, so I don't have to go back in.

In other news, I will be teaching kindergarten next year!! I decided on Friday and called and asked my principal for the position. I thought all year that this would be my last year teaching. When it took me most of the year to get pregnant, I got pregnant just in time to take the next few years off! I was so happy to not have to teach anymore! I really love my job, but it's wearing on me. I'm in such a low income area, the kids are absolutely terrible and the parents are even worse. It has been the. worst. year. ever. I could not picture myself going back next year. I don't want to be bitter about it. I don't want to think everyday I should be home with my baby. So, I'm moving to kinder. I get excited just thinking about it. I know this will be the change that I need.

Hope all of you guys had a great weekend! : )

Focusing on all that is good

I know I've been gone a while, but our internet was down for about a month. I'm glad to be back and catching up on all of you guys! I appreciate all of your comments and support more than you know. Hearing everyone else's stories, from your comments, make me feel like I'm not alone.

Well, this is our second month of TTC after miscarriage. The first time didn't work out. We will see what happens in about another week. I was so sure last month I was pregnant. And it about broke my heart all over again. I'm trying really hard to keep busy by working out and starting back on the paleo diet. I've also been reading a lot of christian based books on miscarriage and having faith through hard times. Maybe I'll do a book review this summer. Summer?!? (I can hardly wait!!)

We got back from Cabo in Mexico last week, and it was such a nice vacation. I was the happiest girl in the world being away from school and having some down time with my husband. I know it's been two months since we lost our baby, but I'm still heart broken. Some weeks I feel like I'm really doing well and things are looking up. Then, for no reason, it all comes back, and it's like I can't believe what happened. Almost like it was just a dream.

When I get upset, I have to think about all the good things that have come of this. It has taken me a while to understand, but God can take evil and make good come from it.

• I have become much more sensitive. As in, my heart understands other people's grief and pain more than I've ever been able to understand before. 
• My marriage is stronger and closer. I'm so thankful for my best friend.
• I know that I can get pregnant. I'm trying to have faith that I will get pregnant again. I was worried about this!
• I understand how precious life is. It is a gift that can be taken at any time. This has put so many things into perspective for me. I know when I do finally hold our baby, I will appreciate him or her even more. 
• Most importantly, this trial has made me rely on God more than ever before. I know he will make me a mom. I know he has great plans for our family.

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!" -Psalm 113.9

starting again.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.

When your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage...

It's scary when your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I waited 2 years for my husband and our finances to get on board, then another 6 months trying to get pregnant. I prayed and longed for that baby more than anything. I'm terrified that maybe we can't do this. What if it happens again? I don't know what I'd do. I'm so scared to get pregnant now.

I think I'm generally doing okay with the emotional aspect of miscarriage. It took me a while. Maybe like 4 weeks. Night after night and day after day of tears. I've never cried like that in my life. The pain in your chest like you can't breath and the uncontrollable sobbing. Crying until your head pounds and you think you might get sick. I'm not used to that. I've been so blessed with a wonderful life, that the day after day of sadness was/is worrisome. Immediately after the miscarriage, I received a peace that could only come from the Lord. I knew immediately that my baby was in heaven and we would all be together one day. I imagined our baby in the arms of the Lord and this got me through. It's still getting me through. Without knowing that peace, I would have been lost. I'm so grateful for God giving me this peace and the hope that things will get better.

I know that one day, I'll have a baby in my arms. God wouldn't have placed this desire in my heart for no reason. He has to have a plan for me. The day after my miscarriage, I decided that I needed something good to come from this loss. I want for my baby's short life to have a positive impact somehow. In my heart, I want to be a better person, a more loving, Christ-like person. Our baby changed my life, and I know that through focusing on being better, others will experience our baby too. I know it probably doesn't make sense, and I'm not sure how to explain it. But that's what I feel.

I'm just beyond thankful and in awe of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Dying on the cross for our sins, so that we may all have eternal life together in heaven. With my baby. I can't even comprehend how amazing this will be.

The physical side of a miscarriage at 7 weeks was not so terrible. It was a few hours of bad cramping and then a heavy period. Exhaustion was the worst part. I know it was mainly due to the sadness and grief I was feeling. I had a lot of trouble sleeping for about two weeks. Then, I would just be so tired and emotional by the end of the day, I felt like I was falling apart. The first week back to school was the worst. I didn't know how long I would feel that way.

Now, I get emotional a few times a week instead of everyday. It's mostly from thinking about the excitement I felt from knowing I was pregnant and longing to go back to that place. Doing dishes reminds me of the night I found out I was pregnant and was waiting on my husband to come home. I remember doing the dishes waiting to tell him the best news of my life, and feeling happier than I've ever felt. Doing the dishes sucks now. It always makes me cry. I usually cry on the way to work and at church.

I'm so scared to start trying to get pregnant again. I feel like the excitement has been stolen away from us. Next time won't be as joyful and as wonderful and this makes me angry. I'm going to try my best to remember that every day of pregnancy is a blessing. Even if it was only for a few weeks, it was the best 3 weeks of my life and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. This gives me hope for the next time. Every day will be a blessing. Every day is a blessing.