The appointment yesterday was terrible. I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. But, when we went in for the ultrasound, I still had hope. I prayed I was wrong. When the nurse asked if we wanted the screen off and sat down to begin, I knew it was over after a few minutes. She sat there and didn't say one word. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I just laid there wiping away tears and holding my husband's hand. Once she was done, I went to the bathroom to change and tried to pull myself together. We went back to wait on the doctor. I remember hearing the song on the speakers. It was "if i saw you in heaven." I asked my husband if they could have chosen a worse song. We kinda laughed and he said he hoped I wouldn't notice. When the doctor came in, it hit me hard when I saw the ultrasound pictures. I don't understand how just a few days before there was a precious little baby growing in a perfectly round home. The pictures looked so different. He was very kind and answered all of our questions. We went home and laid in bed for a while. My husband made the phone calls to our parents and asked them to let the others know. He asked everyone not to call or text me. It's been nice not having to deal with everyone, but I wonder if it makes it worse. It almost feels like our baby will be forgotten. That really hurts.
It's been nice to be together this week. We've had almost the entire week off together. He did go to work on Thursday, because I knew he needed to come with me on Friday to the appointment. He's the only person that gets it. He has made me smile more than anyone ever could this week. I know this will bring us closer together.
Thursday was hard because he was at work. I pulled out a book i read a few years ago. "heaven is for real" I flipped to the end of the book and read the chapters about what heaven is like. It gave me more peace than I can explain. The little boy explains to his mom how he met his sister in heaven. The sister they never told him about that died in his mom's tummy. He said she looked like his older sister, but with darker hair. When they asked what her name was, he said she didn't have a name.
When my husband came home from work, I had him read the chapter. I told him I wanted to name our baby. He needed a name. So we agreed on a name for our first baby.
I'm finding great strength in knowing he is in heaven with more love than we can imagine. I know our Lord will take good care of him until we get there. I'm praying that Jesus will read to him, hug and kiss him, and let him know how much he was wanted and loved. How much we will always love him. He was the baby that I prayed for. The baby that made me a mom. Even if it was for only a few weeks. I'm forever changed.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."