Tuesday, 30 July 2013


My husband is supposed to take a sperm analysis test. I've been trying to get him to do it all month. He agrees but then would never do anything. I thought I'd try and make it easier by picking up the sample cup for him at the clinic so he wouldn't have to take the test at the office and could just do it at home. He liked this idea better. So, i went and got it for him. Then, i called to see if I could deliver the sample for him as well. They said yes. So every week I ask him which day would he like to do it, he answers. I plan my day around delivering the test and then he backs out. Same thing happened this morning. He agreed couldn't today, I couldn't sleep because of worrying about the results, we get up early I get dressed and pack my car full of things to take to my classroom to work for the day. I'm waiting on him and he looks at the cup and says he doesn't feel like taking it today and leaves. I'm so frustrated. I don't know how else to be patient. I've been so supportive and not pushy. It's driving me nuts that this is the one thing he's had to do the past 13 months of ttc and he won't suck it up. So I went back to bed and cried in frustration. Anyways, I guess I'll hold out hope for Thursday.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

when your sister is pregnant and you're not

we had my little sister`s wedding shower this past weekend. My older sister is due in about a month. I've talked about how she was just a few weeks ahead of  me in her pregnancy. she's also the girl that has gotten pregnant as soon as she decides she wants to all three times. Then chooses to constantly complain and gripe about how awful being pregnant is. So, needless to say the past 6 months I've kept my distance. The shower this weekend meant I had to be around her for 3 days straight. It took all I had to sit there and listen to the  complaining and baby talk all weekend. I just don't understand. I'm the one person in her life that is sensitive to this right now and she can't suck it up? She knows what I've gone through. How does she not filter herself?

once she left, my mom told me that she knew this weekend was really hard for me and thanked me for the help with the shower. Then she said now she understands my side of the story. She saw how hard my sister made it for me. Well of course sister called mom bawling her eyes out on the way home saying none of this was her fault and she doesn't know what she did wrong.

last night, my sister called me and wanted to talk about it. She did apologize about a hundred times for anything she may have said. She told me she does try really hard to be sensitive and then went on to tell me about all the times she has run around the house hiding books and pictures. And how when we are out shopping she doesn't look at maternity clothes or send me ultrasound/ nursery pics. But she also said hurtful things like her friends that had miscarriages said they only think about it when filling out paperwork at the doctor... (ouch). I said I bet that was years ago for them and they all have kids now. Also, she said because of me she didn't announce the pregnancy for a long time. Which I don't  get,because she announced 2 weeks after our miscarriage. The day before her son's birthday party with all the family coming. with the whole Facebook status of the chalkboard family pic. And a giant blog post about a "real, live baby."she also said that I've  made the pregnancy miserable and that no one cares about her. And said she cried for days after my miscarriage. Like any of this makes me feel better??? Why is it always about her? She just doesn't understand. I know she never will, but she could at least try to be considerate. Which I don't feel she does. She just doesn't think before she talks. She said pregnancy is just awful several times in front of me and I finally called her out on it. And she says well it is! What's more awful is not being pregnant when you should have been. I told her that she should just not complain around me and she said should try. It wasn't 5 seconds later when she started again saying how bad she felt that weekend. Called her out again and she said well I did feel bad!

Anyways this was just a rant. I'm not sure what to do about her. My heart is still broken and i just can't fake happy for her. I'm sorry. I'm really worried about when the baby comes. Any advice???

Saturday, 13 July 2013

First test down... how many more to go?

My HSG went much better than I expected. I was really nervous the morning of and just wanted it to be over. The nurse was so sweet, and I am very grateful for her. Honestly, I didn't feel anything at all. The worst part was the clamp they use during paps. It was mostly just awkward. The only time it hurt was when they went to remove everything. All came back 100% clear, and they said everything looked perfect. Praise God!

So, now I guess we move on to my husband's test. He really, really doesn't want to go. I'm trying not to put any pressure on him. But, I went by my obgyn's office to pick up the referral. I'm hoping he'll decide to go sometime before the end of the month, because I'm super nervous about his test results. I just want him to get it over with! After his test, we will both have blood tests to check hormone levels. Then, I don't know what comes after that.

We celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary on Thursday. I got a little emotional thinking back to our dinner last year on our anniversary. We were talking about how we hoped on our 4th anniversary we would be staying home with a new baby. Fast forward to year 4 and we aren't even pregnant. : ( I also can't help but think about how my due date would be approaching soon. I may have to take off work that day. I'm not sure I can do it.

My sister's house is completely set up and ready to go for her baby. She is due in a little over a month now. I went over to babysit my niece and nephew Monday night for their hospital tour. Seeing the nursery all ready and the baby clothes and swing just about broke my heart. I almost couldn't take it. Having the summer off has proven to be difficult. There's just too much time to think about losing our sweet baby.

This is month 11 of TTC. I know that's not too long. Considering we had a miscarriage as well, but I wanted to start the testing now for peace of mind and also because I had a lot of money on my HSA that will expire in September. Oh, I forgot to mention that the HSG was only $215 instead of $600! I'm still waiting for my bill from the technician but this was good news!

Sunday, 7 July 2013

let the testing begin : (

It's almost been a year, so we decided to start testing. We were going to wait until about September, but my HSA will expire September 1st and I have $650 dollars left on my account. When I called to schedule, the nurse called me back and let me know that my insurance "would cover most of the procedure at 80%." I thought how great and got really excited! Then she said, "you'll be responsible for  about $600." I couldn't believe that was 20% of a pretty simple procedure. I was in the car and started crying because I knew my husband wouldn't agree to that. Then, I called to see how much was left on my HSA and it was almost exactly enough. I'm pretty confident that it will all come back clear. But I am nervous about the test. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad. : ( Prayers would be greatly appreciated!