starting again.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.