Thursday, 21 March 2013

starting again.


I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.




21 comments:

  1. I understand just how draining teaching can be. I too am a teacher and have to say there are many many day I dread going to work. I am praying for you and I know that everything will turn out for. Stay strong lovely, you are amazing and you will do this!

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    1. yes, some years are just awful. I'm praying for a good group next year. Thank you for your prayers, your comment is so sweet!

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  2. Vent away love! My blog was so negative when I was TTC and especially after my miscarriage. The months between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again were the darkest days of my life. I know how hard it is and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You WILL get pregnant again tho and it'll be amazing! I can not wait for that day!

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    1. I'm so sad you went through this same thing, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I hope it doesn't take too long! I can't wait either!

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  3. Yes! I am with the above two posters---you WILL get pregnant again. At least you know that it IS possible now, even if that's the only positive you can take away from such a sad thing. I will certainly pray for you.

    Lastly, I'm sure this will be a little bit irrelvant considering you're probably not "normal" yet again but have you tried the "My Days" app? They have it for android, Ipad, and Iphones. Bascially it tracks your period for months--or years if you're me :) and adjusts accordingly and tells you when you're most likely ovulating and lets you track other random things. It worked well for me and was always spot on. Just a thought!

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    1. You are so right, it is totally a blessing to know that it can happen. Thank you for praying. I haven't heard of this, I will definitely look into it. I'm so surprised to see how fast things did go back to normal. Within about 8 days actually. So strange. Thanks for your comment!

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  4. I'm happy for you that you've started trying again :) and like Audrie said above, you know you CAN get pregnant..and you will! I'm praying for you and hope you don't have to wait much longer. Happy thoughts coming your way!!!!

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    1. Thanks, it's nice to have something to look forward to. Thank you for praying! : )

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  5. You're allowed to be negative, especially here! I'm sending good thoughts your way and can't wait to see the 'I'm pregnant' post <3

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  6. blogging is free therapy! (especially when it comes to TTCAL I think!)
    I hope the "feeling of two" returns for you very very soon!

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    1. definitely free therapy! Thank you so much!

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  7. I agree with all the girls your loss is so recent and you still feeling the raw emotions that come with an m/c. Vent away! I wish you luck you are my cycle buddy I am having my IUI tomorrow so many baby sprinkles to us.

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    1. so happy to have a cycle buddy!! Good luck to you! I hope everything went okay. Praying for good news for you, friend.

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  8. Oh I forgot to tell you about http://spermmeetseggplan.com/ I swear by it the girls on my board have had so much success with it.

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    1. I actually aim for this plan every month. It doesn't always happen, but we try ; )

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  9. No need to apologize to us. This is YOUR place to say how you really feel and you have every right to feel how you do. Hoping this is a good month for you!

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  10. Stumbled upon your blog by accident (I was looking for experiences with eating paleo while pregnant) and was struck by how similar your story is to mine. I lost my baby in February as well and have struggled with maintaining my enthusiasm for my job. All I can say is continue on, even though it sucks. I'm ok most days, even when my very pregnant colleague tells me about her latest doctor's appointment. Going straight into the TTC phase has also helped, and I've also planned my first few moments in heaven when I eventually get there (a long time from now:). I'm going to be over the moon excited about seeing Jesus and then I'm going to see my Cayden at long last. I talk to him, too, as do his sister and brother. They are of the opinion that Jesus's momma has taken personal charge of all the little babies in heaven, since He obviously wants only the best taking care of them, and she must be awesome since she was His momma:)

    Anyway (I'm rambling horribly), much baby dust to you. Apparently the first few months after a miscarriage are supposed to be incredibly fertile. And while our precious angel babies can never be replaced I have the feeling that holding his/her sibling will help with the empty feeling.

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  11. I came across your blog and I definitely know what you are going through. We just lost our baby at 9 weeks on Jan 31 due to ectopic pregnancy. It is painful but like the other ladies have said the good news is you can get pregnant :) pregnancy is a blessing. We are in the tww for the first time since our loss and I am so nervous. I will be praying for both of us oxo

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