Thursday, 21 March 2013

starting again.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

When your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage...

It's scary when your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I waited 2 years for my husband and our finances to get on board, then another 6 months trying to get pregnant. I prayed and longed for that baby more than anything. I'm terrified that maybe we can't do this. What if it happens again? I don't know what I'd do. I'm so scared to get pregnant now.

I think I'm generally doing okay with the emotional aspect of miscarriage. It took me a while. Maybe like 4 weeks. Night after night and day after day of tears. I've never cried like that in my life. The pain in your chest like you can't breath and the uncontrollable sobbing. Crying until your head pounds and you think you might get sick. I'm not used to that. I've been so blessed with a wonderful life, that the day after day of sadness was/is worrisome. Immediately after the miscarriage, I received a peace that could only come from the Lord. I knew immediately that my baby was in heaven and we would all be together one day. I imagined our baby in the arms of the Lord and this got me through. It's still getting me through. Without knowing that peace, I would have been lost. I'm so grateful for God giving me this peace and the hope that things will get better.

I know that one day, I'll have a baby in my arms. God wouldn't have placed this desire in my heart for no reason. He has to have a plan for me. The day after my miscarriage, I decided that I needed something good to come from this loss. I want for my baby's short life to have a positive impact somehow. In my heart, I want to be a better person, a more loving, Christ-like person. Our baby changed my life, and I know that through focusing on being better, others will experience our baby too. I know it probably doesn't make sense, and I'm not sure how to explain it. But that's what I feel.

I'm just beyond thankful and in awe of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Dying on the cross for our sins, so that we may all have eternal life together in heaven. With my baby. I can't even comprehend how amazing this will be.

The physical side of a miscarriage at 7 weeks was not so terrible. It was a few hours of bad cramping and then a heavy period. Exhaustion was the worst part. I know it was mainly due to the sadness and grief I was feeling. I had a lot of trouble sleeping for about two weeks. Then, I would just be so tired and emotional by the end of the day, I felt like I was falling apart. The first week back to school was the worst. I didn't know how long I would feel that way.

Now, I get emotional a few times a week instead of everyday. It's mostly from thinking about the excitement I felt from knowing I was pregnant and longing to go back to that place. Doing dishes reminds me of the night I found out I was pregnant and was waiting on my husband to come home. I remember doing the dishes waiting to tell him the best news of my life, and feeling happier than I've ever felt. Doing the dishes sucks now. It always makes me cry. I usually cry on the way to work and at church.

I'm so scared to start trying to get pregnant again. I feel like the excitement has been stolen away from us. Next time won't be as joyful and as wonderful and this makes me angry. I'm going to try my best to remember that every day of pregnancy is a blessing. Even if it was only for a few weeks, it was the best 3 weeks of my life and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. This gives me hope for the next time. Every day will be a blessing. Every day is a blessing.