Monday, 24 November 2014

2 days from beta

My beta is on Wednesday. They'll do a blood test to see if I'm pregnant. I already know the answer to that question and I've cried all day. My pregnancy test was negative this morning. I don't understand. I feel completely lost and like I don't know what the purpose of my life is. I've wanted to be a mom my entire life. That has always been my dream. And I feel like its going to stay that way. I've lost hope and even lost faith. I don't know why God has put this desire in my heart and not allowed it to manifest. I'm confused and angry. Right now, I've been praying for direction. God, please just tell me what to do. I don't know where to go from here.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Embryo transfer day!!

Today was the big day! I was a little nervous all day. I still didn't know if we were transferring one or two. I woke up this morning and did some yoga and a few chores. I've been working really hard to get the house clean and organized. My mom is here so she helped me decorate the house for Christmas. It's so warm and cozy! We went to the grocery and stocked up on healthy baby making foods. I called the office and asked how many embryos and she said we would talk about it at my appointment. I think this was the main source of my anxiety. We went to lunch at Zoe's and then I came home and meditated for a while. This really helped me to calm down. I actually listened to it in the car on the way to the doctors office. My mom came with us. I saw the nurse that helped with my retrieval and apologized for being such a mess. She said it happens all the time! We went back to our room and waited for the embryologist. I was feeling really happy and hopeful! The doctor came in and she showed us the picture of our embryos. She said these were the two we would transfer. We didn't even discuss it :) I was really relieved. She said they were really good quality. Meet our embabies, 5bc and 3bb... 
I can't believe these are ours! A little bit of each of us, so amazing! The doctor came in and did a regular ultrasound (first ever!) to find my uterus. Then the embryologist left to get the embryos loaded into the catheter and in they went! I laid there for a long time. My husband told me he thought he saw the embryos on the ultrasound. I asked him what they looked like and he said white light. I was disappointed that I missed it. We watched Louie ck on our phones to pass the time. We read that women who watched something funny after transfer had higher success rates so we thought it couldn't hurt. It was so freaking cold in there I was dying to go home. We were only supposed to lay there 30 minutes but it ended up being almost an hour. I made my very passive husband go find the nurse. He was so awkward about it haha. I'm feeling so hopeful and excited that this will be our baby or two. Praying they grow into healthy babies. I love them already. Our first family photo :)

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Day 3

We have 6 embryos that have good grades and good numbers. They are at 7-10 cells each. There are 4 more that are a little slower but still dividing at 4-5 cells each. So amazing and very grateful for these numbers! We go back on Monday at 3:00 for our transfer and then I'll be pregnant! Hopefully for about 9 more months :)

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Fertilization report

The embryologist called me this morning and said 22 eggs were retrieved and 11 of them fertilized!! I'm so very grateful for this number! We will do a 5 day transfer on Monday :) I'm praying the embryos continue to divide and a few of them grow into beautiful babies. 

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Retrieval is done!

I'm so happy it's over with!! I was surprised at how well I slept last night. Usually when I'm nervous, I don't sleep well. Last night, I had a mild meltdown when I had to do the enema. My husband whipped that thing out of the box and I thought I was going to die. I'm pretty sure it should have been for a large mammal. But I got over it eventually and it all went fine.

This morning was I a little more nervous and feeling bad. I was just ready to get there and get things started. Of course my husband is all cool and collected and says he isn't nervous at all. I read from my daily devotional and found some peace. We headed over at around 8:20 and got there before 9. We didn't have to wait long at all. They took me back to get my vitals and then called for my husband to do his sample. I thought he would come right back so I didn't really tell him bye. Then my nurse took me to the recovery room and I changed into a gown and cap. It was so cold in there. I was going to be the second retrieval of the day, so I could hear them prepping the girl next to me. This just made me more nervous. I talked with the doctor for a minute and the anesthesiologist. Everyone was very nice. I asked the anesthesiologist if my husband could come back and they said he couldn't. : ( they had changed the protocol. So I sat in the room by myself for about 30 minutes waiting for them to finish up the first girl. I heard her come back and they said something about her needing a stitch and I got scared.   I was getting a little upset being alone and started crying. I brought my devotional and continued to read until it was my time. They took me into the retrieval room, and I laid down on this big table. I remember looking up at this weird painting of a lady nursing her baby in beautiful robes. (kinda strange). We were all kinda talking about the painting and the nurse said the woman only had 3 fingers and not to worry, I would wake up with all my fingers intact. haha I talked with my anesthesiologist for a little while. He was starting the IV and i started crying again. I wasn't really sure why. I told him it didn't hurt and I was just nervous. The doctor came in and told me he liked my socks... Then things started spinning and that's all I remember. I woke up back in the recovery room and started crying again. I don't know why. I was in some pain... like how I felt when I miscarried. The doctor peeked his head in and told me I did great and they got 19 eggs. I ate my crackers and gatorade and they took my vitals again. Then the nurse walked me out front to meet my husband.

My husband asked how it went and I said okay. I still felt really sad and weepy. I told him I was crying a lot and he said the doctors came and talked to him. The doctors said it took them a long time to get me knocked out because I was crying uncontrollably and very emotional. They said I let all of my stress out right there on the table and that I should maybe find a way to relax or get some anxiety meds. : ( really embarrassing. I'm not sure what my problem was. But I mean I am completely pumped up on tons of meds, was a nervous wreck, hurting and all alone. He told him they got 18 eggs maybe more. So I'm not sure if it's 18 or 19 really.

I think I've tried so hard to not let any of this get to me. Pretending like it's not happening so I don't freak myself out. My subconscious must have needed to release the fear once I was under. Really weird. After about an hour I felt a lot better. The cramping has mostly gone away but it still hurts to get up and move around.

My husband's numbers were 38 million and 38% fast motility which is all considered above average. : ) yay!!!

The nurses will call me tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized! I can't wait! Thank you everyone for the prayers and sweet comments! Keep them coming : )

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

retrieval is tomorrow!!

Monday we went to the doctor for another sonogram. My follicles had matured quite a bit. I can't remember the sizes. I think most were 15-18 and he measured about 20 of them. This time we met with the head doctor of the practice he was so, so kind and caring. He came in and said he was very hopeful this would work for us and asked us how many kids we wanted. (I liked that : )  ). When he did the sonogram he was way more gentle and I really appreciated that. I was scared all morning of how much it hurt last time and this time it was okay. He said my lining was textbook. It had 3 rings and that was what is ideal. (no idea what that means) Then he said I should be an egg donor because of how many follicles I had. It's nice to hear these things. But discouraging that we still don't know what's wrong.

He talked to us about how a lot of couples end up doing IVF for the first baby and then the other babies come naturally. The pregnancy opens up the channels in your body and figures out what to do. Sounds good to me haha

The confusing part was when he said I should only transfer one embryo instead of two. He said a twin pregnancy could intensify the symptoms of over stimulation (OHSS) due to great levels of hormones and my ovaries would be too swollen for twins and cause a really uncomfortable pregnancy. I told him I was most scared of over stimulation and he said he thought I would be fine. Last week they said I would get a lupron trigger instead of the hcg trigger because it lowers the risk of OHSS. But at the appointment he said I would be fine with the hcg trigger. I talked to him a little while longer about the triggers and then he changed his mind. He decided to do the lupron just to be safe.

I was so glad to do the lupron instead, but really disappointed about transferring only one. I would be so happy with a singleton pregnancy of course, I just want to increase my chances of it working the first time. I really don't want to have to go through this again or a frozen transfer.

I emailed my nurse and asked her if I could transfer 2 now that we've changed to a lupron trigger and she said we'd wait and see.

So I triggered last night at 11 pm and today at 11 am. Nothing like doing a shot real quick in the bathroom at school. That was my lost shot and I was so happy about it! I got a little teary eyed! The directions for the next few days are really overwhelming. So. much. to. remember.

Between the blood draws, exact timing of injections, when to take the 8 different medications over the next 2 weeks, and directions for the retrieval... I'm stressed. (also exhausted, nervous, swollen, excited, grateful, swollen... did i mention swollen and sore. I can hardly move.

Tomorrow morning we head over at around 8:30. I'm so nervous. Be back to let yall know how it goes : )

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Day 8 of stims

IVF meds are no joke. I am so swollen and sore, but I'm doing okay. I go between being really excited and thankful to crying for no reason. I was trying to put clean sheets on the bed this morning and starting crying when the blanket wasn't straight. On Friday, I cried three times before I got to work. How crazy is that? I'm on an emotional roller coaster. It's very weird to not be in control of your emotions.

I went to my first sonogram on Wednesday. I had 9 measureable follicles on the right and 3 on the left. I was a little bummed about this. My doctor said I had at least 10 more that were just a little too small to measure that day. I tried to stay optimistic but wasn't so sure. I was hoping for more than that. He increased my dose from 175 to 200 to try and get the left side to kick in. And he also instructed me to start the ganirelix injection to keep my body from ovulating on its own.

Today will be day 8 of stims and I had an appointment this morning. At the sonogram, I couldn't believe how many follicles there were this time!!! It was so exciting! I My doctor kept saying "this is gorgeous" haha he seemed really excited. I had about 12 on each side that he measured! I will say that the sonogram hurt like hell. My ovaries are just so swollen I felt like he was stabbing me. Hopefully, we will have close to 20 or so follicles at retrieval. My nurse called and my blood work came back just fine and to keep my dose at 200 tonight and back to `175 tomorrow.

The shots are going really well... no bruises and it doesn't really hurt. My stomach is a little sore from so many injections though. Mainly, I feel like I'm about 4 months pregnant. My stomach is so swollen and I just don't feel like myself. I've been wearing my sister's maternity pants because mine are just too tight. how embarrassing is that? It hurts you guys. I'm so ready for this week to be over with.

I can't believe we will find out if this works in just 3 weeks!!! ahhh! : ) grow babies, grow!

Monday, 3 November 2014

Day 3

This morning I started feeling the pinching ovulation cramps. I couldn't believe it is already happening! I mean, I've only done 2 days of injections. But there is definitely something going on in there! I just knew my nurse would call and lower my dose. So I  had blood work done today. I talked to my nurse about it and she said I'm just one of the unlucky ones who feels it early on and it means I have a bunch of follicles growing and to expect it to get much worse. My estrogen level was 123 and she said that was perfect and to keep my dose the same for the next 2 days. I couldn't believe that! Anyways, I go back Wednesday for our sonogram to check the number of follicles!! So so excited. Hoping we get good news : )

Saturday, 1 November 2014

I can't believe this is happening!

After almost 2 and a half years, we are starting our first ivf today! I can't believe it's here and we made it. This really has been the worst 2 years of my life. I'm so so ready to put this behind me and move on! My cyst was completely gone on Wednesday. I stopped birth control and my estrogen was down to 49 on Friday!!! So we are good to go! I'll be taking 175 ius of follistim tonight and tomorrow night. I have another appointment on Monday to check my hormone levels. I can't wait to find out how many follicles we have. This doesn't even seem real to me :)