starting again.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.

When your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage...

It's scary when your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I waited 2 years for my husband and our finances to get on board, then another 6 months trying to get pregnant. I prayed and longed for that baby more than anything. I'm terrified that maybe we can't do this. What if it happens again? I don't know what I'd do. I'm so scared to get pregnant now.

I think I'm generally doing okay with the emotional aspect of miscarriage. It took me a while. Maybe like 4 weeks. Night after night and day after day of tears. I've never cried like that in my life. The pain in your chest like you can't breath and the uncontrollable sobbing. Crying until your head pounds and you think you might get sick. I'm not used to that. I've been so blessed with a wonderful life, that the day after day of sadness was/is worrisome. Immediately after the miscarriage, I received a peace that could only come from the Lord. I knew immediately that my baby was in heaven and we would all be together one day. I imagined our baby in the arms of the Lord and this got me through. It's still getting me through. Without knowing that peace, I would have been lost. I'm so grateful for God giving me this peace and the hope that things will get better.

I know that one day, I'll have a baby in my arms. God wouldn't have placed this desire in my heart for no reason. He has to have a plan for me. The day after my miscarriage, I decided that I needed something good to come from this loss. I want for my baby's short life to have a positive impact somehow. In my heart, I want to be a better person, a more loving, Christ-like person. Our baby changed my life, and I know that through focusing on being better, others will experience our baby too. I know it probably doesn't make sense, and I'm not sure how to explain it. But that's what I feel.

I'm just beyond thankful and in awe of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Dying on the cross for our sins, so that we may all have eternal life together in heaven. With my baby. I can't even comprehend how amazing this will be.

The physical side of a miscarriage at 7 weeks was not so terrible. It was a few hours of bad cramping and then a heavy period. Exhaustion was the worst part. I know it was mainly due to the sadness and grief I was feeling. I had a lot of trouble sleeping for about two weeks. Then, I would just be so tired and emotional by the end of the day, I felt like I was falling apart. The first week back to school was the worst. I didn't know how long I would feel that way.

Now, I get emotional a few times a week instead of everyday. It's mostly from thinking about the excitement I felt from knowing I was pregnant and longing to go back to that place. Doing dishes reminds me of the night I found out I was pregnant and was waiting on my husband to come home. I remember doing the dishes waiting to tell him the best news of my life, and feeling happier than I've ever felt. Doing the dishes sucks now. It always makes me cry. I usually cry on the way to work and at church.

I'm so scared to start trying to get pregnant again. I feel like the excitement has been stolen away from us. Next time won't be as joyful and as wonderful and this makes me angry. I'm going to try my best to remember that every day of pregnancy is a blessing. Even if it was only for a few weeks, it was the best 3 weeks of my life and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. This gives me hope for the next time. Every day will be a blessing. Every day is a blessing.

Held

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"

"a person is a person, no matter how small"

The appointment yesterday was terrible. I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. But, when we went in for the ultrasound, I still had hope. I prayed I was wrong. When the nurse asked if we wanted the screen off and sat down to begin, I knew it was over after a few minutes. She sat there and didn't say one word. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I just laid there wiping away tears and holding my husband's hand. Once she was done, I went to the bathroom to change and tried to pull myself together. We went back to wait on the doctor. I remember hearing the song on the speakers. It was "if i saw you in heaven." I asked my husband if they could have chosen a worse song. We kinda laughed and he said he hoped I wouldn't notice. When the doctor came in, it hit me hard when I saw the ultrasound pictures. I don't understand how just a few days before there was a precious little baby growing in a perfectly round home. The pictures looked so different. He was very kind and answered all of our questions. We went home and laid in bed for a while. My husband made the phone  calls to our parents and asked them to let the others know. He asked everyone not to call or text me. It's been nice not having to deal with everyone, but I wonder if it makes it worse. It almost feels like our baby will be forgotten. That really hurts.

It's been nice to be together this week. We've had almost the entire week off together. He did go to work on Thursday, because I knew he needed to come with me on Friday to the appointment. He's the only person that gets it. He has made me smile more than anyone ever could this week. I know this will bring us closer together.

Thursday was hard because he was at work. I pulled out a book i read a few years ago. "heaven is for real" I flipped to the end of the book and read the chapters about what heaven is like. It gave me more peace than I can explain. The little boy explains to his mom how he met his sister in heaven. The sister they never told him about that died in his mom's tummy. He said she looked like his older sister, but with darker hair. When they asked what her name was, he said she didn't have a name.

When my husband came home from work,  I had him read the chapter. I told him I wanted to name our baby. He needed a name. So we agreed on a name for our first baby.

I'm finding great strength in knowing he is in heaven with more love than we can imagine. I know our Lord will take good care of him until we get there. I'm praying that Jesus will read to him, hug and kiss him, and let him know how much he was wanted and loved. How much we will always love him. He was the baby that I prayed for. The baby that made me a mom. Even if it was for only a few weeks. I'm forever changed.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

I think it's over.

After a few days of spotting, I went to the doctor with my husband. We saw our little baby and a heart beat. They just kept telling us it was a little slow but nothing abnormal. He said the ultrasound pictures looked normal and he couldn't find a source for the bleeding. He told me to take it easy. Well, that whole afternoon and night the bleeding turned red and got much worse. I tried to stay calm. They said the exam and ultrasound could cause more bleeding. I woke up that next morning and went in to work. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I kept going to the restroom and things kept getting worse. I told the secretary at school and she told me to go home. I've never felt so scared in my life. I cried the whole way home. Then, the bleeding really picked up. I was terrified. I called my husband and he didn't answer. I got in the car and started to drive to the er. After calling my sister, she told me to go to my ob. She called to tell them I was on my way. I remember feeling so embarrassed in the waiting room with all the pregnant bellies and babies. Everyone was staring at me and I couldn't pull myself together. They called me back for the sonogram and I was all alone. My sister and husband were on their way, but it was going to be a while before they made it. I remember shaking and crying in the dark room. I laid my head back and closed my eyes and prayed. I could hardly breathe. the screen looked different to me when I peeked through my tears. I don't know why, but I knew something was different. I asked the nurse," it's gone, isn't it?" she pointed to the little arrow on the screen and said "see that little flicker?" I couldn't see through my tears and I kept telling her I couldn't see anything. She said to watch closely because it was very slow. Eventually I saw a few little flickers, but I knew our baby wasn't okay. I asked her what the rate was and she told me 78. The day before it was 82. I got dressed and sat in the waiting room for the doctor. Then, I waited in the room for him to come for about 30 minutes. My sister showed up with my sweet nephew who provided me a few little laughs. I was glad he was there, he kept asking if I had a belly ache. Then the doctor came in and said that nothing looked different from the previous day. There was still no source of bleeding and my cervix was closed. He said he was very concerned about the amount of blood I was losing. He didn't offer much support or advice. I left feeling confused and all alone. My husband showed up just as I was leaving. I got in the car with him and we headed home. He kept asking me questions and i didn't have any answers for him. I couldn't remember what the doctor had said. We went home and I laid on the couch and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Later that night, I started to get cramps. I think this is when it really started to set in. I woke up at around 2 and we watched the Truman Show together. I took some Benadryl after not being able to sleep. I just can't stop crying. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning with pretty intense cramps. I was pouring blood and so scared. I remember sitting on the toilet pouring blood and hysterically crying. My husband just kept hugging me and told me not to be scared. He said he wished it were him. After some time, the cramping stopped and the blood loss slowed. I told my husband this afternoon that I was surprised how quickly it was over. I thought it was just those couple of hours that morning. He told me I had that pain most of the night and was talking in my sleep. He can't remember what I was saying though. After laying in bed all morning, I got up and showered. It had turned into a heavy period now and I felt pretty good physically. I picked up the house and we decided to go to lunch. I had another break down before we left for lunch. I told my husband that I didn't understand. I wanted our baby so badly. I prayed for this baby for years. We went to lunch and sams. We also went on a walk and talked about what to do next. I'm feeling ok now. My heart is so, so heavy. I feel really lost and alone. I don't know why this happened. I know in my heart our baby is gone. We are going on Friday to confirm and im scared. I want it all to be over. I want my baby.

Please pray.

This has become the worst day of my life. The bleeding keeps getting worse. There was still a slow heartbeat today. But it really doesn't look good. Please pray. I don't know what else to do.

A sweet little flicker! <3