Yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm totally blaming it all on my hormones. I knew that my period should be coming sometime in the next few days. I was cramping and bloated and exhausted. It was also the day of our awards ceremony/musical at school and my first doctors appointment with the new ob.
At the awards ceremony, my two teacher friends came with their new 6 week old babies and sat on the front row. I couldn't help but think about how we had been trying for 10 months. We could have a new baby too, just like my friends that started trying the same time as us. But I stood up there with my period on the way and not even a little pregnant. This made me slightly emotional. And those precious babies make my heart want to burst. I can hardly stand it.
Then, I stepped off the stage and one of my parents asked if I was pregnant. This gets me every time. Like a punch to the gut. I smiled and said no. I'm still not sure why she asked me that. Maybe it was the empire waisted dress or the weight I've gained from her kid stressing me out this year. who knows! But it hurt my feelings. I spent the next few minutes in tears once I made it back to the classroom.
I was praying all day that I wouldn't get my period, so that I could make it to the doctor's appointment for my regular exam.
I was nervous about this appointment too. I wanted to like the guy. When I got there, the nurse asked me a lot of questions about my history which included the miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's hormones or if I sometimes get busy and somehow forget about what happened. But some days it just hits me hard... and it almost feels like it just happened. Anyways, sitting in the room thinking back on all of it and putting on the same dress and sitting in the chair was just all too familiar to me. The tears started to come once again. I hopped up to get a tissue, not wanting my new ob to have a bad impression of me, hobbled over half dressed trying to keep the gown and blanket thing covering me. Of course, the door opened and he noticed my tears. He was very reassuring, energetic, and left me with a smile on my face. I really liked him a lot. He said to call him in August if I'm not pregnant by then. Also, he said if I'm sitting at home this summer and don't want to wait until August, to come in for testing sooner. I think I'll stick with him.
Then I got in the car to go home, and cried the whole way to the house. I have no idea why?? I just have no control over my emotions anymore. With all this said, I was in bed by 7:00. ex.haus.ted.
(I haven't blogged in a long, long time, so I have another little story I need to tell.) This one is about Mother's day. I didn't think it would upset me at all. It's a day for mother's. It has nothing to do with me. Well, that morning, it didn't feel that way. We were in Austin for my nephew's first birthday party celebrating with my husband's family. I was upset that morning while getting dressed. We all got in the car to drive to San Marcos and then I called to wish my mom a happy mother's day. She said, "Thank you!! tell Laura I said happy mother's day. Tell Maureen I said happy FIRST mother's day." She was so chipper and so happy and didn't say one thing to me. I cried the whole way there. Once we got to breakfast to celebrate with his family it was fine. I put on a happy face and brushed the whole thing aside. I was a little sad that not even one person acknowledged that this might be a hard day for me. Then, a few weeks ago at a wedding I was talking to my sweet father-in-law. He said he felt so bad for me on mother's day and wanted to say something so badly, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I could see his eyes getting watery. That meant so much to me. What a blessing to have such a sweet man in my life. He gets it. It validated my feelings and thats just what I needed.
P.S. 2 more days of school, people!!!!