Cycle 5, you suck.

I started cycle #5 the day after Thanksgiving. I'm starting to freak out guys. I'm getting really scared. I know it hasn't been that long for some people, but this is long for me. I know I've ovulated every month. I stopped taking birth control 7 months ago. I don't understand what the problem is. It's so frustrating and hard for me to understand. I hate being around all these pregnant people and even being around babies is starting to be hard for me. I've also been so emotional and sensitive about this whole thing. My mom at Thanksgiving said "we voted on whether yall would have a girl or boy and everyone voted girl!" tears. While playing with our 6 month old nephew  my father-in-law said, "are you ready for one of these guys?" tears again. My husband was helping his mom with the pack 'n play and my sister-in-law said to him, "you're good at that. What's taking yall so long?" tears again. I hate all this stupid crying! I ended up talking to my mom about all of it at Thanksgiving because she noticed I was upset after she mentioned it to me. She didnt know we were trying. I really didn't want her to know, but I couldn't think of what to say. It took her a year to conceive me after a major surgery. She had all kinds of issues and understands how hard it is to wait. She will be praying for us, and I like that.

On another note, one of my students' mom's was killed in a car accident on Thanksgiving. Her dad was killed in Iraq a few years back. I'm devastated for this sweet girl. She is such a precious baby. I can't even imagine how her life will affected by this tragedy. I don't understand how our God could take two parents from an innocent child. I'm trying so so hard to have faith in God's plans for us, but it's hard right now.

Please pray for this sweet girl.

a very weird cycle...

When I thought ttc was on hold, I didn't temp the beginning of the month. Then, once it was back on, I started temping a few days before my usual ovulation. My temps were a little higher than last month, but not by much. I took 3 days of opk's on days 16, 17, 18. I ALWAYS get a positive on day 16. This time, it wasn't positive. But, on day 18 I got the same temp rise I had gotten last month, so I am sure I ovulated. I thought today I would be about 5 dpo.

When I took my temp this morning, there was a huge temp. dip. Like lowest temp yet. by far. I think it could be because of my cold. Maybe breathing out of my mouth because I'm so stuffy. Then at lunch today, I noticed a small amount of bright red spotting. I have never had spotting before. AF isn't due for  9 days.

So then I started thinking about implantation dips and spotting. 5 dpo is too early for that though. The earliest implantation can happen is 6 dpo. Maybe I ovulated sooner than I thought? Who knows..  I had small temp increases the 3 days before day 18.

I'm not sure what to think about all this. I wish I would have temped all month. I guess we'll find out eventually!

feeling hopeful this month

This is the middle of cycle #4. I never would have thought it would take this long. I've been off birth control 8 months now.

I posted last time about my husband's company being sold and the possibility of being laid off. We decided to put ttc on hold until things were figured out, but after lots of begging DH decided we could continue. I'm feeling really grateful that we got to try again this month. Then on Thursday after 4 years, DH got a promotion at work! It's one of those pay cut promotions that will allow tons of potential in about a year. So thankful for this! He really needed this. I'm relieved that he is excited and confident about himself again.

I never got a positive opk this month... I'm not sure what to think about that. I tested 3 days in a row and nothing. My temp did finally go up so I know I ovulated for sure yesterday. So I'm 1 day past ovulation today. I guess we will find out in about 2 weeks!!

Yesterday was a sad day for me. I think I'm just so busy at work, I don't have time to really think about it until the weekend. Well, Friday night I had a dream we had a baby. I've never had a dream like this before. I woke up feeling really sad on Saturday and it kinda lingered all day. I think it didn't help that I still hadn't gotten a positive opk and my temp was still low. My sweet husband kept saying, maybe you already are pregnant. We were laying on the couch and he laid his head on my stomach and said, "yeah, I hear something cooking up in there." so funny! He had no idea what he was talking about. I told him it was just my lunch. haha! he was trying hard to cheer me up.

I'm hopeful this month. I'll be praying so hard that this month finally works!

update

I really appreciate all of your sweet comments from my last post. Thank you for being supportive and encouraging. We still don't have any news about my hubby's job, but after plenty of nagging  discussion, we have decided that we will continue trying to conceive! My husband actually agreed. Continuing was my plan all along of course. I prayed really hard about it, and he told me on Friday that he felt okay with trying because he knows it will work out some how.

I'm hopeful. I feel like now, I know he wants it (almost) as much as I do. That's really reassuring... coming from a husband who majored in finance and is a financially advisor, I never saw that coming. God is good.

A lot of our friends work for the same company so everyone knows about the lay off possibility. My friends have asked me if we will continue ttc and I told them no. That we were going to wait and see. That was before we had really decided to continue, so I wasn't lying. But, I've decided that anyone who asks...  I'm going to tell them we're taking a break. I just don't like people knowing. Especially if it's going to take this long. It was such a huge mistake to tell people we were trying, I wish I'd never said a word. So now, no one knows. Including my sister. And I want to keep it that way.

I'm trying not to think about it. I'm not temping this month. I'm staying off the pregnancy websites and the pregnancy and baby blogs I love. They've started to make me feel mostly sad instead of excited. I have this great fear that we won't be able to get pregnant. It's making me feel anxious.

Last night, our good friends came over with their 3 month old baby. He is so precious. I hated that it made me feel sad hearing her talk about all of it. She kept saying when you get pregnant... blah blah blah. I wanted to get up and leave. She also kept saying she felt guilty that they got pregnant on the first try. All of these things just make me upset. Then some other 21 year old girl came over that I didn't know. She has a 4 month old baby. I couldn't stand listening to them gabbing it up about babies and pregnancy. I tried to stay outside with the guys all night. It's frustrating to not even be able to talk to your friends.

This was a really long rant, if you read this far I'm very impressed. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts guys. At least I can blab to yall : )