one step forward and two steps back.

at least I feel like that's how it's been going as I sit here in tears. I told you guys how much better this month was for me. No more temping, charting, counting days, no reading baby blogs or researching on the computer. I felt like a new woman. for real. I had my life back. I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test and AF was due in the next two days.

My older sister came over yesterday night. She said she had something to tell me and burst into tears. I knew exactly what was coming. She said she was sorry and that she was pregnant. I don't know how, but i managed to pull myself together and hug her with a smile on my face. I told her she didn't need to be sad, and that I was so happy for her. She was a nervous wreck and I felt so badly for taking her amazing news and bringing her to tears. We then went to run an errand, and I listened to her explain about her not even really trying to get pregnant, finding out at Christmas, going to her first doctor's appointment, and telling my parents. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember those things. Then she dropped me off at home, and I shut the door and burst into tears. i've cried for almost two days straight now. I feel so selfish and awful for taking the news this way. I want my heart to feel the things I felt when she told me about my precious niece and nephew. I just can't find it in me. I'm so embarrassed of my tears. This is the third baby she has had on the first month trying. I know I shouldn't question God's plan. I know that. But I just don't understand.

I could use some prayers right now. Prayers for strength, patience, and an understanding heart.