Tuesday 15 January 2013

one step forward and two steps back.

at least I feel like that's how it's been going as I sit here in tears. I told you guys how much better this month was for me. No more temping, charting, counting days, no reading baby blogs or researching on the computer. I felt like a new woman. for real. I had my life back. I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test and AF was due in the next two days.

My older sister came over yesterday night. She said she had something to tell me and burst into tears. I knew exactly what was coming. She said she was sorry and that she was pregnant. I don't know how, but i managed to pull myself together and hug her with a smile on my face. I told her she didn't need to be sad, and that I was so happy for her. She was a nervous wreck and I felt so badly for taking her amazing news and bringing her to tears. We then went to run an errand, and I listened to her explain about her not even really trying to get pregnant, finding out at Christmas, going to her first doctor's appointment, and telling my parents. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember those things. Then she dropped me off at home, and I shut the door and burst into tears. i've cried for almost two days straight now. I feel so selfish and awful for taking the news this way. I want my heart to feel the things I felt when she told me about my precious niece and nephew. I just can't find it in me. I'm so embarrassed of my tears. This is the third baby she has had on the first month trying. I know I shouldn't question God's plan. I know that. But I just don't understand.

I could use some prayers right now. Prayers for strength, patience, and an understanding heart.

7 comments:

  1. It's OK to feel the way you feel. I will continue thinking and praying for you. Hugs!

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    1. Also, how did your Dr appt go?

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    2. It went fine. Thanks for asking! I meant to post about that too. He asked if I wanted any testing done yet, he didn't recommend it, so I told him I would wait. I go back in april, and we may start it then if I need to. My husband is going to have his testing done next month. thank you for your support bridgett! hugs!

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  2. Brought me to tears. I understand how you feel. It took us 6 months, which felt like forever. But when it did happen for us, I had to tell my friend who had been trying for 3 years. That was hard. Im sure your sister felt more for you than anything else. It is ok to be happy for her and sad that it wasn't you all at the same time. No one will make you feel bad about that! No one! Any one who ever wanted a baby would tell you that you were great with keeping your cool! Im not sure everyone can do that. I don't know if what I am trying to say makes any sense, but just keep your head up! Your time is coming and then yours and your sister's little ones will be best friends.

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    1. You are so sweet. I'm glad you understand. Thank you for your support! It means a lot to me! : )

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  3. I'm so sorry :( You are amazing for keeping it together and being so strong in front of her. I don't think I could have done that. I am still thinking about you often!! Big hugs!!

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    1. I'm actually doing a little better. I think my prayers have helped : ) thank you for your kind words! wishing you the best!

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