A Christmas puppy

We got a puppy!! We have been married over 4 years and I finally talked my husband and myself into getting a dog. Meet Charlie...

IUI #1 is a bust.

enough said.

halfway there!!!

I'm so happy to be halfway through the two week wait! Only 7 more days to go! This was such a long week, and I"m hoping the next week flies by! So, once the ice melted a little, I ran to Wal-Mart and decided to buy stock in pregnancy tests. I bought 7 tests... but they were only 88 cents each. : ) I took one when I got home and the line was barely, barely there. So, I know that I've almost tested out the hcg already. I really couldn't believe it. Then, I decided to take an opk and it was still pretty dark. I'm not really sure if I'll take a test everyday or not. I may take it until it's completely faded and then give it a rest until at least 12 dpiui, which is Sunday.

Anyways, we were back at school today. I'm so thankful, because I was going nuts! I'm going to try and keep busy this week. So far the only symptoms are sore boobs and slight cramps. I've been praying so hard this will work for us.

This ice is driving me mad!

Well this is our third full day of being iced in!! We have about 2 inches of ice on the roads and haven't been able to go anywhere! I'm going crazyyyyy! There's nothing to do but read and watch t.v.

School was canceled on Friday, so I got the day off. During the two week wait, everyone tells you to stay busy to keep your mind off it. Like it's really easy to dismiss the idea that a baby could be growing in your belly?!?  I've found it's been harder  when you are stuck indoors. I'm having trouble keeping my mind busy. The good news is, we have almost made it halfway through the two week wait. We have about a week left to go. I think I'll be testing Monday night, because my husband wants me to wait until Monday. We have both seen how upset testing makes me and don't want a false positive.

I actually took an opk (ovulation test) this morning just to see. I thought that would be better than taking a pregnancy test. It was very positive, just what I thought. This is due to fertility drugs. So, I may take one of those about every other day until the line fades. Just because I'm bored!

For now, I'm trying to stay busy by reading. I've finished Endearing Love and started Gone Girl. Both books are incredible! I'm so thankful for my kindle. I really would have been going crazy without the past few days! New books in an instant!

I'm still remaining very hopeful! I did a little research (I know I shouldn't have) but I think we have about a 25% chance of the iui working. Mostly due to the fact that we had 2 follicles, I don't have fertility issues, and we are young. Makes me feel a little better, but I really don't want to get my hopes up. I will be so heartbroken! Every time I feel excited, I tell myself, "but it probably won't work. 25% isn't that high." I'm just ready for this to be done... the ice and the two week wait : )

1dpiui

Can I just say how thankful I am for you ladies!!! You are truly the best! I was so happy to read your encouraging words tonight and am grateful for each one of you.

This was the first day of our two week wait before knowing the outcome of our iui! let's just say it's going to be a longggg two weeks.

I wanted to add to my post from yesterday. The iui was around noon and then I went home to rest. I just felt mostly cramping and pressure but nothing too bad. We headed to dinner around 6 and the cramps got much worse. I just felt really uncomfortable for a while at the table. Once we finished dinner, we left to head to a Christmas light show and all of a sudden all the cramping went away! Like super fast and I felt immediately better. I started thinking that that must have been ovulation. So, I do believe the follicles were released in time! It was only about 6 or 7 hours after the procedure and the washed sperm are good for 24 hours. I'm hoping that things were timed nicely! : )

I felt strange this morning. Still a lot of cramping and pressure, it's kinda hard to describe. But as the day has gone on, I think it's gotten somewhat better.

I still haven't decided what to do about the pregnancy test thing. The doctor said to wait 14 days, but I'm worried with 2 triggers I'll still get a false positive and get my hopes up. I don't want to be questioning whether or not the test is correct. After some research, I learned that some women test everyday starting around 5dpiui and continue until day 14. This way, they can see the line fade from the fertility drugs and then if a line reappears they will know for sure that they are pregnant. I'm also not too found of seeing a bunch of positive tests. I'm worried it will trick my brain and just cause more anxiety. Any suggestions?!?

Our First IUI

Well today we did our first IUI. I woke up this morning feeling excited, nervous, anxious, scared... I was so glad my husband was in a pretty good mood. He didn't seem that anxious, thank goodness! I was worried because he was going to obtain his sample in the office this time instead of at home. I know that must be such a horrible thing... so awkward and so much pressure. We got to the appointment around 9:15 and he went back to provide his sample. After that was done, we went to chick-fila and had breakfast and then went to bed bath and beyond. We were trying to blow some time until the sample would be ready. We headed back to the doctor around 10:15 and had my sonogram around 10:30. The 2 large follicles were still there which meant I hadn't ovulated yet. They had also grown from 21 to 24. The nurse left for a while and came back and said that I would need a second hcg trigger shot to trigger ovulation. It takes 24-36 hours for these to work and it hadn't quite been 24 hours yet. I really didn't want the second injection because they're 200 dollars a piece and it's just more drugs pumped in my body. We went ahead with it though and went down to the pharmacy to pick up the shot. Then, we headed to the lab to receive our washed sperm. I was so eager to get on with the iui, I didn't even think to check the numbers on the sperm washing. When I finally looked, I was pleasantly surprised! His numbers were really pretty good with 9 million after the washing. That means 9 million really good swimmers! We took it all back to the ob and they administered the second shot and we waited for the doctor. He came in and was cracking jokes about the possibility of twins and how sad it is that it's actually fun for some women to get pregnant (the procedure hurt some.) It wasn't really too bad, but he had trouble getting my cervix to open and had to pinch me with a tenneculum (sp?) which caused a lot of cramping and discomfort but it was over pretty quickly. Once the catheter was inserted all the way to the top of the uterus, he said, "send in the soldiers!" haha! and then it was all over! I laid there for over 30 minutes. I just feel really bloated and kinda crampy. I'm having a little bleeding from the tenneculum and some nausea from the injections, but I'm feeling pretty hopeful. I'm praying so hard that this will actually work and we will have a sweet baby (or two!) on the way before Christmas!! Nothing would make me happier. I would really appreciate prayers for the next two weeks. I know it will be the longest two weeks of my life, but hopefully there will be good news at the end of all this. : )

on our way to iui!

I don't know wether to be excited or nervous. I'm also feeling like I shouldn't get my hopes up. This is all just so much to process. But, I started my 5 days of clomid last Sunday. The only symptom I really had was nausea. It kinda came and went, but feeling sick at Thanksgiving wasn't much fun. I didn't really mind though beacuse I'll do anything to get pregnant!

Today was my first sonogram to check on the results of the clomid. I was excited to see how things looked but I was also nervous that something would be wrong. The first thing the sonogram technician said was my lining looked really thick. That made me excited because I was very nervous about this. Clomid has a tendency to thin the lining making it harder for the embryo to implant. So this was really good news! She quickly started moving her wand back and forth between my two ovaries. She said that I have 2 really big follicles, one on each side. She said, "you know you have a chance of twins right?" and I said yes! She began taking pictures and measuring them. They both measured right at 21. Which she said is perfect. Then she let me know the iui would need to be tomorrow! It wasn't supposed to be until maybe thursday or friday, but it looks like we are getting it done sooner than we thought! They then sent me to the pharmacy in the hospital to pick up an hcg trigger shot. This shot triggers ovulation to help with timing. I went back to the office and waited for the nurse to administer the test and then ran to school to do some sub. plans since I won't be working tomorrow.

I would really appreciate prayers for tomorrow. Specifically, that my husbands sample is really good. This has always been the factor that has caused such a struggle for us. I'm most worried about this aspect. I just know that his numbers need to be high or we won't have much of a chance. Prayers also for perfect timing and a calm mind.

I'll let yall know how it goes. My husband's appointment is at 9:15, then he will give the sample to them for the sperm washing. This takes about half an hour and they will separate the semen from the sperm and clean it up. Then  I have an appointment at 10:30 for a second sonogram and the IUI will be right after that. They said to bring a book because I'll lay down for half an hour afterwards.

!!!!! I'm so excited, but I also don't want to get my hopes up. Prayers please!!

I guess we're starting IUI

After having all of our fertility testing finally complete, it looks like everything is normal except low morphology. My husband's numbers were all border line normal except count which was high and morphology was 2% the first time and 5% the second time. Our urologist and ob decided we should do IUI. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm excited to finally be doing something. I mean I've been trying to get knocked up for almost 16 months now.  I'm sad we couldn't get pregnant on our own. I feel like we failed, and all our hard work and tears were for nothing. I'm nervous about spending the money. I'm nervous because I feel like my husband isn't on board yet. He still thinks we should just keep trying and wait a while. But he did agree to going through with it in November. I'll start clomid around November 22nd I think, and go in for the IUI at the beginning of December. When I read online about the chances of success, it doesn't sound too hopeful. With low morphology, the odds are only about a 10-16% success rate. Yikes! I hope we will (finally) be one of the lucky ones and it will happen quickly. I'm also grateful for the chance that this could possibly work for us. Seriously holding my breath about the idea of twins... super exciting! Looks like I'll be posting more often once all of this is under way. : )

Our visit to the urologist

We went to the urologist the last week of August. He went over the sperm analysis results with us. Count was pretty high, motility was at the low end of normal, and morphology was only 3%. This means 98% of his sperm are abnormal. The urologist did an exam and everything checked out okay. Then he is sending him for another analysis and hormone testing. I think he'll get that done this week. The urologist was really hopeful, especially when we told him we were pregnant before. He said he thought we would be fine. Anyways, while I was leaving the appointment, I look down at my phone and my sister had her baby! While we were learning we had fertility issues, she was having her baby. What are the odds?!? Well, I ran to the store and picked up a baby boy outfit and then to Babies R' Us to get her a c-section wrap. Then I headed up to the hospital. I cried most of the way there. It was a mix of happy tears and nervousness. God granted me such a peace that day. I felt completely happy and it was like all my troubles washed away. I am so grateful for that. I spent the day hanging out with my mom and my sister's others kids. So for a few weeks, I felt happy. Then on Wednesday, after I came home from work,  I just got in bed and cried and cried. I don't know what caused it. Really, now I think it may have been seeing our stockings in the back closet and thinking we should be hanging up 3 stockings this year. The next day, my best friend called and told me she was pregnant. She stopped birth control only serveral weeks prior. She wasn't sure she was ready. She thought it would take a while. And she called to tell me the news and asked when she should expect to feel excited. I'm not sure that little sting I feel when friends tell me their news will ever go away. I think I'll always have that little ache in my heart that reminds me of us sharing our good news only to have it taken away.

i`m still heart broken

Tomorrow will mark one month until my due date. I'm having a difficult time with this. This coming week is going to be really hard on me. My sister is having her baby this week. I'm trying so hard to be excited and happy for this baby. I just can't make myself feel it and that breaks my heart. I wanted to hold our baby so badly and instead I'll be holding hers. Please pray for strength for me when visiting her. I am happy for her but its really hard. Also, this week, school starts back. I can't help but think that instead of teaching this year, I should be staying home with our baby. I don't want to go back. Thirdly, we have our first appointment with the urologist for my husband's fertility testing. I'm really nervous about the results and feel very anxious. Our appointment is the morning my sister is being induced. How's that for timing? Miscarriage is a strange thing. For the past month I thought I was doing really well. And today, I can't seem to hold myself together. I would greatly appreciate prayers. Prayers for being content going back to school, a healthy baby for my sister, strength for me while visiting her, and a doctor's appointment that provides some hope. Whew I know that's a lot. : /

testing results are in

The semen analysis is complete and the results are back. My ob called on our way to Florida on Friday and said "the morphology was off a little bit." He suggested we see a fertility specialist. That's 'll I know. He didn't give me any numbers or anything and I didn't ask. So, he is going at the end of August. Don't know what to think or feel. Just sad.

frustrated!!!

My husband is supposed to take a sperm analysis test. I've been trying to get him to do it all month. He agrees but then would never do anything. I thought I'd try and make it easier by picking up the sample cup for him at the clinic so he wouldn't have to take the test at the office and could just do it at home. He liked this idea better. So, i went and got it for him. Then, i called to see if I could deliver the sample for him as well. They said yes. So every week I ask him which day would he like to do it, he answers. I plan my day around delivering the test and then he backs out. Same thing happened this morning. He agreed couldn't today, I couldn't sleep because of worrying about the results, we get up early I get dressed and pack my car full of things to take to my classroom to work for the day. I'm waiting on him and he looks at the cup and says he doesn't feel like taking it today and leaves. I'm so frustrated. I don't know how else to be patient. I've been so supportive and not pushy. It's driving me nuts that this is the one thing he's had to do the past 13 months of ttc and he won't suck it up. So I went back to bed and cried in frustration. Anyways, I guess I'll hold out hope for Thursday.

when your sister is pregnant and you're not

we had my little sister`s wedding shower this past weekend. My older sister is due in about a month. I've talked about how she was just a few weeks ahead of  me in her pregnancy. she's also the girl that has gotten pregnant as soon as she decides she wants to all three times. Then chooses to constantly complain and gripe about how awful being pregnant is. So, needless to say the past 6 months I've kept my distance. The shower this weekend meant I had to be around her for 3 days straight. It took all I had to sit there and listen to the  complaining and baby talk all weekend. I just don't understand. I'm the one person in her life that is sensitive to this right now and she can't suck it up? She knows what I've gone through. How does she not filter herself?

once she left, my mom told me that she knew this weekend was really hard for me and thanked me for the help with the shower. Then she said now she understands my side of the story. She saw how hard my sister made it for me. Well of course sister called mom bawling her eyes out on the way home saying none of this was her fault and she doesn't know what she did wrong.

last night, my sister called me and wanted to talk about it. She did apologize about a hundred times for anything she may have said. She told me she does try really hard to be sensitive and then went on to tell me about all the times she has run around the house hiding books and pictures. And how when we are out shopping she doesn't look at maternity clothes or send me ultrasound/ nursery pics. But she also said hurtful things like her friends that had miscarriages said they only think about it when filling out paperwork at the doctor... (ouch). I said I bet that was years ago for them and they all have kids now. Also, she said because of me she didn't announce the pregnancy for a long time. Which I don't  get,because she announced 2 weeks after our miscarriage. The day before her son's birthday party with all the family coming. with the whole Facebook status of the chalkboard family pic. And a giant blog post about a "real, live baby."she also said that I've  made the pregnancy miserable and that no one cares about her. And said she cried for days after my miscarriage. Like any of this makes me feel better??? Why is it always about her? She just doesn't understand. I know she never will, but she could at least try to be considerate. Which I don't feel she does. She just doesn't think before she talks. She said pregnancy is just awful several times in front of me and I finally called her out on it. And she says well it is! What's more awful is not being pregnant when you should have been. I told her that she should just not complain around me and she said should try. It wasn't 5 seconds later when she started again saying how bad she felt that weekend. Called her out again and she said well I did feel bad!

Anyways this was just a rant. I'm not sure what to do about her. My heart is still broken and i just can't fake happy for her. I'm sorry. I'm really worried about when the baby comes. Any advice???

First test down... how many more to go?

My HSG went much better than I expected. I was really nervous the morning of and just wanted it to be over. The nurse was so sweet, and I am very grateful for her. Honestly, I didn't feel anything at all. The worst part was the clamp they use during paps. It was mostly just awkward. The only time it hurt was when they went to remove everything. All came back 100% clear, and they said everything looked perfect. Praise God!

So, now I guess we move on to my husband's test. He really, really doesn't want to go. I'm trying not to put any pressure on him. But, I went by my obgyn's office to pick up the referral. I'm hoping he'll decide to go sometime before the end of the month, because I'm super nervous about his test results. I just want him to get it over with! After his test, we will both have blood tests to check hormone levels. Then, I don't know what comes after that.

We celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary on Thursday. I got a little emotional thinking back to our dinner last year on our anniversary. We were talking about how we hoped on our 4th anniversary we would be staying home with a new baby. Fast forward to year 4 and we aren't even pregnant. : ( I also can't help but think about how my due date would be approaching soon. I may have to take off work that day. I'm not sure I can do it.

My sister's house is completely set up and ready to go for her baby. She is due in a little over a month now. I went over to babysit my niece and nephew Monday night for their hospital tour. Seeing the nursery all ready and the baby clothes and swing just about broke my heart. I almost couldn't take it. Having the summer off has proven to be difficult. There's just too much time to think about losing our sweet baby.

This is month 11 of TTC. I know that's not too long. Considering we had a miscarriage as well, but I wanted to start the testing now for peace of mind and also because I had a lot of money on my HSA that will expire in September. Oh, I forgot to mention that the HSG was only $215 instead of $600! I'm still waiting for my bill from the technician but this was good news!

let the testing begin : (

It's almost been a year, so we decided to start testing. We were going to wait until about September, but my HSA will expire September 1st and I have $650 dollars left on my account. When I called to schedule, the nurse called me back and let me know that my insurance "would cover most of the procedure at 80%." I thought how great and got really excited! Then she said, "you'll be responsible for  about $600." I couldn't believe that was 20% of a pretty simple procedure. I was in the car and started crying because I knew my husband wouldn't agree to that. Then, I called to see how much was left on my HSA and it was almost exactly enough. I'm pretty confident that it will all come back clear. But I am nervous about the test. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad. : ( Prayers would be greatly appreciated!

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my new obgyn and mothers day

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm totally blaming it all on my hormones. I knew that my period should be coming sometime in the next few days. I was cramping and bloated and exhausted. It was also the day of our awards ceremony/musical at school and my first doctors appointment with the new ob.

At the awards ceremony, my two teacher friends came with their new 6 week old babies and sat on the front row. I couldn't help but think about how we had been trying for 10 months. We could have a new baby too, just like my friends that started trying the same time as us. But I stood up there with my period on the way and not even a little pregnant. This made me slightly emotional. And those precious babies make my heart want to burst. I can hardly stand it.

Then, I stepped off the stage and one of my parents asked if I was pregnant. This gets me every time. Like a punch to the gut. I smiled and said no. I'm still not sure why she asked me that. Maybe it was the empire waisted dress or the weight I've gained from her kid stressing me out this year. who knows! But it hurt my feelings. I spent the next few minutes in tears once I made it back to the classroom.

I was praying all day that I wouldn't get my period, so that I could make it to the doctor's appointment for my regular exam.

I was nervous about this appointment too. I wanted to like the guy. When I got there, the nurse asked me a lot of questions about my history which included the miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's hormones or if I sometimes get busy and somehow forget about what happened. But some days it just hits me hard... and it almost feels like it just happened. Anyways, sitting in the room thinking back on all of it and putting on the same dress and sitting in the chair was just all too familiar to me. The tears started to come once again. I hopped up to get a tissue, not wanting my new ob to have a bad impression of me, hobbled over half dressed trying to keep the gown and blanket thing covering me. Of course, the door opened and he noticed my tears. He was very reassuring, energetic, and left me with a smile on my face. I really liked him a lot. He said to call him in August if I'm not pregnant by then. Also, he said if I'm sitting at home this summer and don't want to wait until August, to come in for testing sooner. I think I'll stick with him.

Then I got in the car to go home, and cried the whole way to the house. I have no idea why?? I just have no control over my emotions anymore. With all this said, I was in bed by 7:00. ex.haus.ted.
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(I haven't blogged in a long, long time, so I have another little story I need to tell.) This one is about Mother's day. I didn't think it would upset me at all. It's a day for mother's. It has nothing to do with me. Well, that morning, it didn't feel that way. We were in Austin for my nephew's first birthday party celebrating with my husband's family. I was upset that morning while getting dressed. We all got in the car to drive to San Marcos and then I called to wish my mom a happy mother's day. She said, "Thank you!! tell Laura I said happy mother's day. Tell Maureen I said happy FIRST mother's day." She was so chipper and so happy and didn't say one thing to me. I cried the whole way there. Once we got to breakfast to celebrate with his family it was fine. I put on a happy face and brushed the whole thing aside. I was a little sad that not even one person acknowledged that this might be a hard day for me. Then, a few weeks ago at a wedding I was talking to my sweet father-in-law. He said he felt so bad for me on mother's day and wanted to say something so badly, but didn't want to hurt my feelings. I could see his eyes getting watery. That meant so much to me. What a blessing to have such a sweet man in my life. He gets it. It validated my feelings and thats just what I needed.

P.S. 2 more days of school, people!!!!

month 10 or maybe month 3?

I'm not sure if when you miscarry you have to start over counting your months ttc. Does anyone know the answer to that question? We have been trying since August which makes 10 months. But, if you take out the month I was pregnant and the month we had to wait after miscarrying it makes 8 months. Or maybe this is just the third month?

Well I got my period this morning. So, no Mexico baby for us. : ( I will say that I feel much more relaxed and not worried about getting pregnant. I know that I can get pregnant. I figured it took 6 months before, so it will probably take about 6 months this time. We're a third of the way to 6 months of trying after miscarriage. Of course I hope it is much faster!

My period was actually a few days late, and I hardly cared. I did take a test, but when it was negative I just moved on. Before, I would have tested every day and worried myself sick.

I got sick on Friday and went to the doctor on Saturday. I have strep throat. The penicillin shot didn't help much at all, so I'm home sick today. I'm hoping the doctor will just call me in an antibiotic, so I don't have to go back in.

In other news, I will be teaching kindergarten next year!! I decided on Friday and called and asked my principal for the position. I thought all year that this would be my last year teaching. When it took me most of the year to get pregnant, I got pregnant just in time to take the next few years off! I was so happy to not have to teach anymore! I really love my job, but it's wearing on me. I'm in such a low income area, the kids are absolutely terrible and the parents are even worse. It has been the. worst. year. ever. I could not picture myself going back next year. I don't want to be bitter about it. I don't want to think everyday I should be home with my baby. So, I'm moving to kinder. I get excited just thinking about it. I know this will be the change that I need.

Hope all of you guys had a great weekend! : )

Focusing on all that is good

I know I've been gone a while, but our internet was down for about a month. I'm glad to be back and catching up on all of you guys! I appreciate all of your comments and support more than you know. Hearing everyone else's stories, from your comments, make me feel like I'm not alone.

Well, this is our second month of TTC after miscarriage. The first time didn't work out. We will see what happens in about another week. I was so sure last month I was pregnant. And it about broke my heart all over again. I'm trying really hard to keep busy by working out and starting back on the paleo diet. I've also been reading a lot of christian based books on miscarriage and having faith through hard times. Maybe I'll do a book review this summer. Summer?!? (I can hardly wait!!)

We got back from Cabo in Mexico last week, and it was such a nice vacation. I was the happiest girl in the world being away from school and having some down time with my husband. I know it's been two months since we lost our baby, but I'm still heart broken. Some weeks I feel like I'm really doing well and things are looking up. Then, for no reason, it all comes back, and it's like I can't believe what happened. Almost like it was just a dream.

When I get upset, I have to think about all the good things that have come of this. It has taken me a while to understand, but God can take evil and make good come from it.

• I have become much more sensitive. As in, my heart understands other people's grief and pain more than I've ever been able to understand before. 
• My marriage is stronger and closer. I'm so thankful for my best friend.
• I know that I can get pregnant. I'm trying to have faith that I will get pregnant again. I was worried about this!
• I understand how precious life is. It is a gift that can be taken at any time. This has put so many things into perspective for me. I know when I do finally hold our baby, I will appreciate him or her even more. 
• Most importantly, this trial has made me rely on God more than ever before. I know he will make me a mom. I know he has great plans for our family.

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!" -Psalm 113.9

starting again.

I want to be pregnant again so badly. I miss that feeling. The feeling that you were no longer one, but two. Dreaming about all the amazing, beautiful things to come. I want that back. I can hardly wait for that day. I'd never felt happier.

We started trying again this week. I really didn't miss this part. It makes me feel so stressed. I know it shouldn't, but it does... for reasons I'd rather not talk about.

Now, we're in the waiting it out part. I'm so excited to get pregnant again, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  I know that it will probably take a few months, and I also can't help but thinking about how I'll feel if I get my period again after this cycle. Thinking, here we go again. Angry I have to wait another month. I'm praying I'll be pregnant.

I'm not sure if I told you guys about my plans when I was pregnant. As a first grade teacher in an inner-city school with a lot of problems, it was my ticket out of there. I was going to have my dream job finally and be a stay-at-home mom. This has been the hardest year of my life both personally and professionally. These kids have really taken a toll on me. I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to start a new career either. I just want my baby back.

It breaks my heart that I don't love my job anymore. It used to be my favorite place. Now, I feel like it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant. That I'm taking care of other people's kids instead of my own.

I feel so badly about this blogging taking such a negative turn. I know I constantly gripe and complain. I'm not meaning to be so negative all the time. This is just my place to vent. You guys understand more than anyone. I so appreciate all of your sweet comments. I hope you know how much they've meant to me and how blessed I feel to have people who understand.

When your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage...

It's scary when your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I waited 2 years for my husband and our finances to get on board, then another 6 months trying to get pregnant. I prayed and longed for that baby more than anything. I'm terrified that maybe we can't do this. What if it happens again? I don't know what I'd do. I'm so scared to get pregnant now.

I think I'm generally doing okay with the emotional aspect of miscarriage. It took me a while. Maybe like 4 weeks. Night after night and day after day of tears. I've never cried like that in my life. The pain in your chest like you can't breath and the uncontrollable sobbing. Crying until your head pounds and you think you might get sick. I'm not used to that. I've been so blessed with a wonderful life, that the day after day of sadness was/is worrisome. Immediately after the miscarriage, I received a peace that could only come from the Lord. I knew immediately that my baby was in heaven and we would all be together one day. I imagined our baby in the arms of the Lord and this got me through. It's still getting me through. Without knowing that peace, I would have been lost. I'm so grateful for God giving me this peace and the hope that things will get better.

I know that one day, I'll have a baby in my arms. God wouldn't have placed this desire in my heart for no reason. He has to have a plan for me. The day after my miscarriage, I decided that I needed something good to come from this loss. I want for my baby's short life to have a positive impact somehow. In my heart, I want to be a better person, a more loving, Christ-like person. Our baby changed my life, and I know that through focusing on being better, others will experience our baby too. I know it probably doesn't make sense, and I'm not sure how to explain it. But that's what I feel.

I'm just beyond thankful and in awe of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. Dying on the cross for our sins, so that we may all have eternal life together in heaven. With my baby. I can't even comprehend how amazing this will be.

The physical side of a miscarriage at 7 weeks was not so terrible. It was a few hours of bad cramping and then a heavy period. Exhaustion was the worst part. I know it was mainly due to the sadness and grief I was feeling. I had a lot of trouble sleeping for about two weeks. Then, I would just be so tired and emotional by the end of the day, I felt like I was falling apart. The first week back to school was the worst. I didn't know how long I would feel that way.

Now, I get emotional a few times a week instead of everyday. It's mostly from thinking about the excitement I felt from knowing I was pregnant and longing to go back to that place. Doing dishes reminds me of the night I found out I was pregnant and was waiting on my husband to come home. I remember doing the dishes waiting to tell him the best news of my life, and feeling happier than I've ever felt. Doing the dishes sucks now. It always makes me cry. I usually cry on the way to work and at church.

I'm so scared to start trying to get pregnant again. I feel like the excitement has been stolen away from us. Next time won't be as joyful and as wonderful and this makes me angry. I'm going to try my best to remember that every day of pregnancy is a blessing. Even if it was only for a few weeks, it was the best 3 weeks of my life and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. This gives me hope for the next time. Every day will be a blessing. Every day is a blessing.

Held

"This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"

"a person is a person, no matter how small"

The appointment yesterday was terrible. I knew I wasn't pregnant anymore. But, when we went in for the ultrasound, I still had hope. I prayed I was wrong. When the nurse asked if we wanted the screen off and sat down to begin, I knew it was over after a few minutes. She sat there and didn't say one word. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I just laid there wiping away tears and holding my husband's hand. Once she was done, I went to the bathroom to change and tried to pull myself together. We went back to wait on the doctor. I remember hearing the song on the speakers. It was "if i saw you in heaven." I asked my husband if they could have chosen a worse song. We kinda laughed and he said he hoped I wouldn't notice. When the doctor came in, it hit me hard when I saw the ultrasound pictures. I don't understand how just a few days before there was a precious little baby growing in a perfectly round home. The pictures looked so different. He was very kind and answered all of our questions. We went home and laid in bed for a while. My husband made the phone  calls to our parents and asked them to let the others know. He asked everyone not to call or text me. It's been nice not having to deal with everyone, but I wonder if it makes it worse. It almost feels like our baby will be forgotten. That really hurts.

It's been nice to be together this week. We've had almost the entire week off together. He did go to work on Thursday, because I knew he needed to come with me on Friday to the appointment. He's the only person that gets it. He has made me smile more than anyone ever could this week. I know this will bring us closer together.

Thursday was hard because he was at work. I pulled out a book i read a few years ago. "heaven is for real" I flipped to the end of the book and read the chapters about what heaven is like. It gave me more peace than I can explain. The little boy explains to his mom how he met his sister in heaven. The sister they never told him about that died in his mom's tummy. He said she looked like his older sister, but with darker hair. When they asked what her name was, he said she didn't have a name.

When my husband came home from work,  I had him read the chapter. I told him I wanted to name our baby. He needed a name. So we agreed on a name for our first baby.

I'm finding great strength in knowing he is in heaven with more love than we can imagine. I know our Lord will take good care of him until we get there. I'm praying that Jesus will read to him, hug and kiss him, and let him know how much he was wanted and loved. How much we will always love him. He was the baby that I prayed for. The baby that made me a mom. Even if it was for only a few weeks. I'm forever changed.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

I think it's over.

After a few days of spotting, I went to the doctor with my husband. We saw our little baby and a heart beat. They just kept telling us it was a little slow but nothing abnormal. He said the ultrasound pictures looked normal and he couldn't find a source for the bleeding. He told me to take it easy. Well, that whole afternoon and night the bleeding turned red and got much worse. I tried to stay calm. They said the exam and ultrasound could cause more bleeding. I woke up that next morning and went in to work. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I kept going to the restroom and things kept getting worse. I told the secretary at school and she told me to go home. I've never felt so scared in my life. I cried the whole way home. Then, the bleeding really picked up. I was terrified. I called my husband and he didn't answer. I got in the car and started to drive to the er. After calling my sister, she told me to go to my ob. She called to tell them I was on my way. I remember feeling so embarrassed in the waiting room with all the pregnant bellies and babies. Everyone was staring at me and I couldn't pull myself together. They called me back for the sonogram and I was all alone. My sister and husband were on their way, but it was going to be a while before they made it. I remember shaking and crying in the dark room. I laid my head back and closed my eyes and prayed. I could hardly breathe. the screen looked different to me when I peeked through my tears. I don't know why, but I knew something was different. I asked the nurse," it's gone, isn't it?" she pointed to the little arrow on the screen and said "see that little flicker?" I couldn't see through my tears and I kept telling her I couldn't see anything. She said to watch closely because it was very slow. Eventually I saw a few little flickers, but I knew our baby wasn't okay. I asked her what the rate was and she told me 78. The day before it was 82. I got dressed and sat in the waiting room for the doctor. Then, I waited in the room for him to come for about 30 minutes. My sister showed up with my sweet nephew who provided me a few little laughs. I was glad he was there, he kept asking if I had a belly ache. Then the doctor came in and said that nothing looked different from the previous day. There was still no source of bleeding and my cervix was closed. He said he was very concerned about the amount of blood I was losing. He didn't offer much support or advice. I left feeling confused and all alone. My husband showed up just as I was leaving. I got in the car with him and we headed home. He kept asking me questions and i didn't have any answers for him. I couldn't remember what the doctor had said. We went home and I laid on the couch and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening to us. Later that night, I started to get cramps. I think this is when it really started to set in. I woke up at around 2 and we watched the Truman Show together. I took some Benadryl after not being able to sleep. I just can't stop crying. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning with pretty intense cramps. I was pouring blood and so scared. I remember sitting on the toilet pouring blood and hysterically crying. My husband just kept hugging me and told me not to be scared. He said he wished it were him. After some time, the cramping stopped and the blood loss slowed. I told my husband this afternoon that I was surprised how quickly it was over. I thought it was just those couple of hours that morning. He told me I had that pain most of the night and was talking in my sleep. He can't remember what I was saying though. After laying in bed all morning, I got up and showered. It had turned into a heavy period now and I felt pretty good physically. I picked up the house and we decided to go to lunch. I had another break down before we left for lunch. I told my husband that I didn't understand. I wanted our baby so badly. I prayed for this baby for years. We went to lunch and sams. We also went on a walk and talked about what to do next. I'm feeling ok now. My heart is so, so heavy. I feel really lost and alone. I don't know why this happened. I know in my heart our baby is gone. We are going on Friday to confirm and im scared. I want it all to be over. I want my baby.

Please pray.

This has become the worst day of my life. The bleeding keeps getting worse. There was still a slow heartbeat today. But it really doesn't look good. Please pray. I don't know what else to do.

A sweet little flicker! <3

being pregnant is scary.

So, for the past 5 days, I've had a little spotting. I don't even know if I should actually call it spotting. It's more like light brown discharge. But it's freaking me out. It happened once on Thursday after I worked out. Then it went away. The same thing has happened every day since. I called Friday to make an appointment after it happened for the second time. Then this weekend, I thought I would call this morning to cancel it. But, I've had more of it this morning. More than the past few days for sure. I've decided to keep my appointment and go in today. I also don't have any symptoms which is really scaring me. I'm super bummed that my husband can't come with me. I really, really want him to be there. I'm just hoping everything is okay. It's so hard to think positively. Hopefully, this appointment will put my mind at ease.

5 Week Update

I've decided to do my weekly updates at the end of each week. I'm not sure if this is what other girls do, but I want the updates to be a review of the week. So, I'll actually be 6 weeks tomorrow, but I'm posting at the end of the 5th week.

How Far Along? 5 weeks

How Big is Baby? About the size of a sesame seed : )

Total Weight Gain: the same

Maternity Clothes? no. I did accidentally buy a maternity shirt at Gap a few years ago. So, I still have that. My friend also gave me a shirt this week. I can't wait to go shopping!

Stretch Marks? no. I'm using the oil every night. My family is very prone to stretch marks, so I know it's inevitable.

Sleep: Not so good. I'm still waking up a lot. a whole lot. I usually use the bathroom about twice in the night, and I've been waking up so hungry! It's hard to fall back asleep with a growing stomach. This is very new for me. I've never had problems sleeping. Also, the past two days I've gotten a cold. My throat is sore, so that doesn't help much.

Best Moment of this Week: Telling our best couple friends and telling my best friend that I grew up with. I also bought a set of newborn gowns. They are so sweet!

Miss Anything: Cold medicine?

Movement: I can't wait!

Food Cravings: I'm not having cravings or nausea.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really. Some things do smell a little bad. I was driving to work this morning and could smell the soup in my lunchbox on the seat next to me. How weird! I'm glad I'm not sick, but it also sort of worries me. The book I have said nausea can mean a stronger pregnancy. I know I shouldn't worry, but of course I do.

Labor Signs: nope

Symptoms: Still have the breast tenderness. It's gotten much worse this week. It's hard for me to get comfortable at night. I've been pretty tired too and the hunger comes and goes.

Belly Button in or out: in

Happy or Moody most of the time? Happy! I've been more moody at work. I have less patience for my kids.

Looking Forward to: Our doctor appointment. I feel worried, because I don't feel pregnant. I think it's just been a while since I found out now, and the adrenaline is wearing off. I need someone else to tell me that everything looks good. When my symptoms go away, I get scared. The good news is, I take tests every once in a while and the line keeps getting darker. : )

Were you guys already having nausea at 6 weeks?

4 weeks (first weekly update!!!)

I can't believe I actually get to post one of these! This is so exciting!!

How Far Along? 4 weeks

How Big is Baby? the size of a poppy seed. so tiny!

Total Weight Gain: none

Maternity Clothes? of course not

Stretch Marks? hopefully not!

Sleep: I was so excited the first 3 or 4 nights, that I didn't get much sleep. I would just lay there thinking about how amazing this was! Even last night, I woke up really early and couldn't fall back to sleep thinking about it all.

Best Moment this Week: Finding out we have a baby on the way!!! And telling our families! I also read today that the heart should start beating around the 21st day. It's incredible to think our baby already has a beating heart!

Miss Anything:  nothing at all. so happy to move on to this new chapter of our lives!

Movement: not for a while!

Food Cravings: Well the two days after we found out, I couldn't hardly eat because I was so excited! Now, I'm starving ALL the time.

Anything making you queasy or sick: nope.

Gender: I guess boy right now.

Labor Signs:  yikes.

Symptoms: I've had some cramping off and on since before my period was due. It isn't constant, but more like sharp pinches a few times a day. Towards the end of the 4th week, I think it's mostly stopped. My boobs have been really sore. I've started sleeping in a sport's bra. The size hasn't changed though. I've felt very sleep the past two days starting around 1. It's so hard to stay energetic in the classroom when you can't stop yawning! The main thing is the starvation!!!! I am hungry all the time! I'm scared I'll gain a ton of weight. I've never been so hungry!

Belly Button in or out: in

Happy or Moody most of the time? Really happy. This is the happiest I've ever felt in my life. I do get a little moody at work when the kids act up or I'm tired. I do find myself tearing up sometimes when I think about this sweet, little baby!

Looking Forward to: Our first doctor's appointment on Valentine's day! <3

telling our families!

We decided to go ahead and tell our good news to our parents and siblings. After we found out Thursday night, we went to dinner at Potbelly's and had sandwiches. We were so excited! I didn't get hardly any sleep that night. My mind was going crazy, and I felt nervous/excited. That whole day my stomach hurt from the excitement! I couldn't hardly eat anything. I wanted to burst, but I didn't tell a soul. I wanted to tell my sister first, because I knew how bad she felt having to tell me she was pregnant only 3 days earlier. After work, we drove over to their house.  I had texted her earlier and told her we were coming over to borrow a ladder. She almost caught me because it was getting dark. She said she could just bring the ladder over tomorrow morning. (we planned on meeting my mom and younger sister to shop for bridesmaids dresses the next morning.) I told her we would come over anyway. The drive to their house was sooo long. My heart was beating out of my chest. After a few minutes, told them we had some news. My sister started crying and they were so happy! My little nephew was in the room and he started cheering and shouting. (not because he understood, just because the rest of us were being so loud.) he was so cute! We are going to wait to tell my niece until the doctor's appointment.

That night, I slept a little bit better, but not much. Saturday morning, my sister and I drove 2 hours to meet my mom and other sister. We talked the whole way about pregnancy and babies. It was so fun! We met my family at McAlisters. Once we sat down, my older sister said, "man, september is going to be a busy month." I said, "yeah, with her baby coming at the beginning of september, and mine coming at the end..." my mom's mouth dropped open! She hugged me and cried. They were really surprised! Just a few days before, I had been on the phone bawling my eyes out about not being pregnant. She was thrilled!

When we went to try on dresses, it was kinda strange. I will be 8 weeks postpartum (God willing) at the wedding. So, I didn't really know what size of dress to buy. Neither did my sister. I tried my dress on with a tiny little baby bump pillow. It was strange to see myself with a little belly!

I called my dad on the phone after that, and told him I had some good news. He was so cute! he said "I'll be, 2 babies in one month! I bet your mother is tickled to death!"

That night, my husband's oldest brother and his wife were coming in town for a friend's birthday party. We drove over there to tell them. The first thing my sister-in-law asked was do you want some wine? I said sure! Then, my husband said, oh no, she can't have wine. There was a really long pause. And then they figured it out and congratulated us.

We went to bed really late that night, and I didn't sleep well again. Sunday afternoon we drove to my in-laws house. On our way, we called my husband's other brother and wife. He said, "What do you think Liam would think about having a cousin?" They were both super surprised and happy for us!

My husband said he had waited to tell his mom this for so long. He was really excited. We told them we were driving through town and were going to stop by. He lied and said I was meeting my family for wedding planning. He put the little ranger shoes in his shorts pocket. When we pulled up to their house, his mom was inside and his dad was working outside. We couldn't get them in the same place for a while. I was getting so anxious! Finally, his dad came over from working on the fence and his mom came outside. Dillon asked them if they had seen the late Christmas present I had gotten for him. They said no and he pulled the little shoes out of his pocket. There was another long pause, and then they freaked out. My mother-in-law gave me a big hug with tears in her eyes. Both of them were ecstatic! They said they thought I was pregnant at Christmas, but I wasn't yet.

It was so nice to spend the weekend with them! Late that night, his sister called us back and Dillon told her "we are pregnant. I mean Lindsey is pregnant!" haha it was cute! When I talked to her she said she knew how excited I was. She knew how I had wanted this since I was about...  5 years old : )

Before we left the next day, my sweet mother-in-law took us took a store and we bought a sweet little outfit for our baby!

After telling all of our family, I finally slept that night. After about two days, my stomach stopped hurting and now I have been sooo hungry! I still can't believe this is my life. I feel so blessed and happier than I've ever been before. I've been really emotional lately. When I think about meeting our baby, and kissing their sweet little face. My heart almost bursts. Best feeling ever.

You're going to be a dad!

As soon as I had the digital test. I got to work, all while crying and sobbing. I knew my husband would be home soon and I wanted to surprise him. The surprise I had had planned for over a year, dreaming of this day, it was finally here! I grabbed the shoe box I had saved, threw in some tissue paper, and the gift I bought last spring (my husband loves nothing likes he loves the texas rangers), and set it all up on the dining room table.

Then,  I texted at around 6:

Me: When will you be home?
DH: 7:30
Me: Want me to meet you for dinner in Dallas?
DH: Why don't you just make some salmon?
Me: Ok. Sounds good.
DH: traffic big time. (7:15)
Me: Shoot! I just put the fish in.
DH: At least 40 minutes.
DH: Closer to an hour.
Me: sure I shouldn't meet you. I'm starving.
DH: I'm stuck. Can't meet. Grr kill me.
Me: Sorry bear.

7:45
DH: At least another 40 minutes. Maybe longer.

I was freaking out. It kept dragging on and on. I went ahead and started cooking. Then, I set up the camera to video him coming in the door. I'm sort of really embarrassed to post this. I look terrible and I cut the heads off. Plus, we have all these strange names for each other and I can't stand my voice. But here it is anyways....

The day I was hoping for!

January 17th was the best day of my life. After 6 months of trying, I felt defeated. I was concerned. Why wasn't this working for us? There had to be a problem. I cried and prayed more than I ever have. Then, this month. I threw in the towel. I decided not to focus on anything baby related. I worked out, cooked lots, and read books. I spent time with my husband and wasn't glued to the computer researching. Around New Year's, we had a few days off. This was very helpful! : ) We just hung out and slept late and enjoyed ourselves. I was happy during that 2 week wait. Unlike previous months. I had let it go. That was, until my sister came over with her pregnancy news. Then, I. Was. Devestated. I cried and cried and cried. I remember laying in the bed crying and thinking, well I think I could go ahead and test. Maybe I'm pregnant too. So of course, I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. As I watched the little line move across the screen, I saw nothing. Threw it away, and went back to my miserable moping. (What I wouldn't give to see that test now.)

I knew my period was coming. I had cramps. I was emotional. I was so tired. This was the first month, I didn't test like a crazy person. I had given up. The previous month my cycle was 27 days. Well, the 27th day came, and no period. I kept telling myself that last month was just a fluke and I'll get my period the regular 31st day. After the 27th, 28th, and 29th. I came home from work and was watching tv. I decided I would take one more test. I took the test and left it on the bathroom counter. I went back to watching tv and eventually remembered about the test. As I was walking to the bathroom, I told myself, "it's going to be negative. it's always negative." I had accepted this was not going to happen for me. Cue shock as I see 2 lines. One pretty faint but easy to see at first glance. I stared at that thing long and hard. I thought something was wrong with the test because I had never used that brand before. But my heart started to race. I grabbed the cup and ripped open another brand of tests I had.  Immediately, I see another line. A pretty good line. I still didn't trust this one because it tricked me the previous month. So I grab for the queen of all pregnancy tests. The First Response. I dipped that one and sat there staring as 2 dark lines appeared. Then, I really freaked yall. I started shaking and talking to myself. The tears were flowing. I also had a digital test. Because of course, I still wasn't sure. That box took me forever to open. I almost went mad. I dipped that test and sat there waiting. Staring at that little sand timer. I remember walking away and praying. Praying that this was really it. That I would finally be a mom. That we could have a family. Then, I walked back in and:

I've never felt anything like it. Indescribable. I dropped to my knees and thanked God.

I'm pregnant!?!?!

"for this child, I have prayed."

one step forward and two steps back.

at least I feel like that's how it's been going as I sit here in tears. I told you guys how much better this month was for me. No more temping, charting, counting days, no reading baby blogs or researching on the computer. I felt like a new woman. for real. I had my life back. I hadn't even taken a pregnancy test and AF was due in the next two days.

My older sister came over yesterday night. She said she had something to tell me and burst into tears. I knew exactly what was coming. She said she was sorry and that she was pregnant. I don't know how, but i managed to pull myself together and hug her with a smile on my face. I told her she didn't need to be sad, and that I was so happy for her. She was a nervous wreck and I felt so badly for taking her amazing news and bringing her to tears. We then went to run an errand, and I listened to her explain about her not even really trying to get pregnant, finding out at Christmas, going to her first doctor's appointment, and telling my parents. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember those things. Then she dropped me off at home, and I shut the door and burst into tears. i've cried for almost two days straight now. I feel so selfish and awful for taking the news this way. I want my heart to feel the things I felt when she told me about my precious niece and nephew. I just can't find it in me. I'm so embarrassed of my tears. This is the third baby she has had on the first month trying. I know I shouldn't question God's plan. I know that. But I just don't understand.

I could use some prayers right now. Prayers for strength, patience, and an understanding heart.